Archive for September, 2006

Barionia Udrone

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My New Car Is Mentally Retarded

I just bought a new 2007 BMW 530xi wagon. It drives real nice.

I hate iDrive. It’s 90 fucking clicks and prods to change radio stations. Can’t they spare 6 buttons like every Pinto ever made in my fancy new car?

While i’m at it, can the fucking display start out blank please? Why do I have to stare at a menu? At least you can assign a button to blank it but there’s a whole extra procedure. because you can’t just do it when you fire it up, you have to wait for the POS to boot, then accept the fucking EULA or whatever it is every damned time, and then blank it. And I hate that accept screen most of all, whatever it says. Something along the lines of “you will crash and die if you read this screen. Okay?” I’m going to actually read it one day, crash into a tree, and sue every living creature in Germany.

Also, when the screen is blanked, turn off the fucking backlight.

I’m technical so I can figure it iDrive, but if someone borrows my car he’ll never have a hope of changing the radio station. That BMW thinks its okay to require people to take an adult education class to play the radio is ridiculous.

Also, can’t I turn off the auto-activation of PDC or whatever the parking radar is? I know how to park by myself most of the time, so go away or at least shut the hell up. They graciously spared a real-life button for it, after all.

Also worst is the seatbelt chime. That’s what my wife is for. What is this, a Taurus? I’ll get in there with some wire snips pronto. I always meant to do this in the old VW, but it’s not nearly as obnoxious so I lost interest in that plan. (I put on the seatbelt when i reach 30 MPH, not-my-mom. It’s an incontrovertible instinct.)

And if you have a DVD player, and a video screen, make it possible to do you-know-what with them. I’ll even click through an FBI warning or whatever you like. Admittedly, I’d never actually want to watch a movie on that screen, but it’s stupid that you can’t.

Finally, car-wise, the “comfort access” fails to unlock or lock the door much of the time, so it’s pretty much useless since it wastes all the effort those times finding your key that you save the other times.

Add-On Mini-Rant: Despite my having an appointment to pick up the car, the dealer took forever to gas it up, the ski bag was still bubble-wrapped, and the whole thing took 3 hours, much of which the salesman whiled away by sucking up for that rating survey they do. No need to actually not suck — just beg for 5’s instead. BMW just called me and I told them where they could stick their survey. (Politely though.) Lucky for him I like him more than I like those damned surveys.